life: super powers not included

Publicity Boost

HFCS
image by eda cherry

So, in it’s-not-all-about-me news, did you hear that the Corn Refiner’s Association is asking the USDA to start calling high-fructose corn syrup “corn sugar”? That’s because HFCS has gotten a bad rep and, well, corn sugar sounds sweeter.

In honor of this brilliant marketing move, I’d like to offer a few other name switcheroos that might help other industries win back customer support.

Cigarettephoto by superfantastic

The product: Cigarettes

Why it needs some good PR: What’s the first thing you think of when you hear this? Lung cancer? Emphysema? Do the words tar, formaldehyde, and arsenic come to mind? I thought so.

The new name: Mist Stix™. As in, light up one of these dainty numbers and mist away. Forget thoughts of slow, painful death. Smoking Mist Stix™ will conjure this image: You’re on an empty beach, feeling the spray of salt water on your face. A lone unicorn appears out of the mist. Followed by a rugged man with rippling abs.

Lardphoto by steve snodgrass

The product: Lard.

Why it needs some good PR: Let’s be honest, just like tissue and Kleenex are interchangeable these days, so are the words fat and lard. (See: lard ass.) Using an object as a synonym for an adjective (one with a negative connotation, no less!) is just plain wrong. You don’t see people using the words  PC and failure interchangeably, do you? (Hm, maybe not the best analogy.)

The new name: Pork Butter. Let’s be honest: Butter’s having a revival after all those years of Margarine, Margarine, Margarine! If lard could piggyback (ha!) on that trend, it too could be a go-to fat. I can hear it now—honey, would you pass the Pork Butter? I’m making fajitas tonight.

Equal photo by bukowsky18

The product: Aspartame

Why it needs some good PR: Aspartame had a good thing going until a scientist found out it gave rats tumors. Plenty of research now says that study was bogus, but somehow people still fear that those little blue packets contain toxins. At the very least, no one wants to eat so many chemicals. And, let’s face it, it tastes gross.

The new name: Heavenly Sugar™. See, this is where the Corn Refiner’s Association went wrong. They didn’t shoot high enough. Yeah, corn sugar sounds OK. If you want to appeal to those with earthy palates. But Heavenly Sugar™? C’mon, doesn’t that sound about five gazillion times tastier? Well, it is. Think fluffy white clouds. Rainbows. Double rainbows. Doves. Frolicking angles dusted with aspartame Heavenly Sugar™.

What other products need a name change? And, more importantly, would you buy Mist Stix?

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19 comments

1 Estela @ Weekly Bite { 09.21.10 at 8:22 am }

This post got my first laugh of the morning!! You’re hilarious!

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2 Alex @ IEatAsphalt { 09.21.10 at 8:24 am }

Pork butter. I love it. I wish people understood that HFCS aren’t any worse for you than sugar. It’s not just fructose, it has the same calories, its not poison. It becomes a problem when it is added to every darn food item found in a grocery store and when consumed in massive amounts. No one is any healthier because they started to make Coke with “real sugar.”

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Tracey Reply:

Exactly. I think the reason HFCS (ahem, corn sugar) is linked to obesity is because it’s in so many more products than sugar. Until this past year, no soda has been made with sugar. And soda is a top contributor to obesity. Also, up until a few years ago, people didn’t associate HFCS with calories like they did sugar.

Still, the name change is silly.

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3 Amy @ Second City Randomness { 09.21.10 at 8:29 am }

In all honesty, I almost find the word “lard” more appealing than “pork butter”. Is that weird? hmm.

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Tracey Reply:

Apparently you don’t get my marketing genius. ;)

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4 Samantha Angela @ Bikini Birthday { 09.21.10 at 9:30 am }

MSG should be re-marketed as flavour enhancing seasoning.

…oh wait, it is.

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5 Nichole { 09.21.10 at 10:22 am }

Thank YOU! Because of this, I will put down my bag of candy corn.

So true!!

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6 Nicole, RD { 09.21.10 at 11:09 am }

Hahaha, I LOVE this post! Pork butter…that was great!

I’m not witty enough to come up with anything clever, but I’m so glad you are!

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7 Wei-Wei { 09.21.10 at 11:16 am }

Pork butter. LOLOLOL. (”Our refried beans are pork-butter-free!”)

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8 jessica { 09.21.10 at 11:18 am }

you are hilarious. thanks for a good laugh.

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9 Heather C { 09.21.10 at 11:50 am }

Hilarious! I vote for renaming pork rinds. Never eaten them but the idea of eating something with the words rind and pork together just scares me. Oh and the HFCS name change is ridiculous. What they need to do is stop putting it in things that people don’t expect it to be in like chips. Why do chips need sugar?

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10 Maren { 09.21.10 at 12:02 pm }

hahaha! This is great. Mist Stix? I hate saying that. too many ssss sounds. Pork Butter? I’m sorry, but I’d rather say Lard! haha

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11 Katie @ Health for the Whole Self { 09.21.10 at 4:41 pm }

Haha I love this! Especially Pork Butter…that’s a winner right there! :)

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12 charlotte { 09.21.10 at 4:49 pm }

“Pork butter”!! I SO needed this giggle today! Love your ideas! (Am rolling eyes at HFCS people though).

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13 Averie (LoveVeggiesandYoga) { 09.21.10 at 6:02 pm }

HFCS is defi under-going a new name change. And I think most Fast Food pretty much needs to be relabeled as Dangerous!

Loved your answer to the what cookbooks do you like? The whole internet. YEs, amen sista!

Hope you’re doing well….still thinking about your strength and courage posting about all the health jazz you did last week :)

xo

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Tracey Reply:

Thanks, Averie!

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14 Jolene (www.everydayfoodie.ca) { 09.22.10 at 4:27 pm }

This is hilarious!!! I would totally buy pork butter and mist sticks .. heck yeah!

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15 Sava { 09.23.10 at 1:53 am }

You’re pretty much genius :)

This made me laugh/smile/all that jazz.

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16 Tweets that mention Publicity Boost — i'm (not) superhuman -- Topsy.com { 09.23.10 at 3:01 pm }

[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Tracey Neithercott and Matt Neithercott, Tracey Neithercott. Tracey Neithercott said: New post! HFCS wants to be corn sugar. Okay, but what about these other products that have a bad rep? http://bit.ly/cl8qZF [...]

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