life: super powers not included

Something about spring always makes me want to buy new shoes. Of course, considering my current predicament (namely, the fact that I can’t wear shoes) it doesn’t look like I’ll be buying any anytime soon.

But a girl can look, right?

So because I can’t wear shoes and you can, I thought maybe I could point you to a few I’m eyeing up in case you might want to buy them, therefore enabling me to live out my shoe fantasies through you. I’d tell you to take pictures, but that sounds creepy.

These Kate Spade heels are fun and sunny. They’d be perfect for a summer wedding.

I think these chartreuse Badgley Mishka heels would be perfect for a formal wedding. (No, I don’t have any weddings to attend this summer. Why do you ask?) I love the color.

I’m in love with this idea: Hunter boots’ cute flats. Because walking in the rain in regular flats sucks.

Yes, I can technically wear sandals, but I think all the knotting would irritate my skin and, knowing my body, just cause me to flare. And yet they’re so cute…

These would be really cute with a Zooey Deschanel-type outfit. I’d feel all sorts of girly.

Okay, and do these not scream Audrey Hepburn. They had black, which technically be even more Hepburn-esque but I couldn’t pass by the pink. It’s summer after all.

I’m pretty sure it’s the color of these heels that won me over. Apparently I have a thing for pink this season. It’s pretty unusual since normally my shoes are all black. I bet if I were really going to buy most of these I’d chicken out, get all practical, and go with black.

Honestly, these are just fun. But I’ll probably end up with something like this:

Not the cutest, but it’s better than Tevas.

So, anyone want to let me live my dream of adorable feet through them?

The first time The Man and I tried to make kale chips we ended up with crinkly kale that disintegrated when you picked it up.

(Note to wannabe kale chip chefs: Longer and hotter isn’t better.)

They were, um, OK. If you like kale dust.

Trial number two was much, much better. I was going to sprinkle some nutritional yeast over the kale because people all over these interwebs are saying it tastes like cheesy goodness.

And then Trader Joe’s happened. More specifically, their chipotle hummus. They say ambrosia is nectar of the gods, but I’m pretty sure that’s a myth. Because this, spicy chipotle hummus, is more worthy of the title.

So I decided to make chipotle hummus kale chips. Are you ready for this?

Mix the hummus with olive oil to thin it out. You want it to coat the kale and get into all of its little nooks.

Mix well. You can use spoons or tongs, but you may as well prepare to get your hands dirty. It tastes better when fully coated.

Spread on a baking sheet and sprinkle sea salt over the kale. Bake at 300 degrees for 20 minutes. Cool before baking.

I’ll admit, they don’t look great. But I promise they taste amazing—crunchy, salty, and spicy. And when you’re on the Everything-Free Diet, flavorful snacks like this are pretty much the best think, like, ever.

Have you ever make kale chips? How do you like them best?

Two doses of crazy on this lovely Friday. Just for you.

Here’s a brief description of each. Let’s chat in the comments, mkay?

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Botox for Babies
Well, technically 8-year-olds. Yep, a mother gave her young daughter botox and leg waxes to make her pageant-ready. Because, you know, she had too many wrinkles and garish leg hair. The girl’s response to her transformation? She “looks way better, like, beautiful, pretty, like, all those kinds of nice words.”

Because I’m sure she was none of those things before…

And now for the latest rich-dude-who-wants-to-exploit-women’s-insecurities news:

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Get Wasted for Your Health
A bar in New York is selling beauty with its cocktails. Apparently you can order antioxidant- and nutrient-infused alcoholic drinks aimed at rejuvenating skin, evening your complexion, and otherwise make you more beautiful (and younger) than when you entered. Er, at least those are the claims. I wonder if the jet set crowd that frequents the place knows that the only thing alcohol will do for their skin is leave it parched and puffy.

But as a dermatologist mentioned in this article, it’s possible the lack of results are masked by beer goggles.

Oh yeah, that’s a big:

Alright, have at it in the comments. What’s your take on these?

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Lust
You’re minding your own business, slowly counting down the minutes until the clock hits 5 when it happens. A craving. And not just any craving. You want it more than oxygen. There’s a bag of carrots waiting for you in the kitchen, but… You feed the lust by searching for images of the food online, as if the pixels on the screen can fill the void in your heart. And stomach.

Flirting
You’re not ready to commit—yet—so you test the waters. Maybe you go to the convenience store around the corner from work and just look at the candy bars dressed up so pretty. You pick one up, test out a few more. Or maybe you head to Starbucks, casting sideways glances at the glass case. The more you try to resist, the more you want it.

Jealousy
It’s not the right time, for you or for the food. You were about to believe that when the hot blonde chick with a waist the size of Barbie chirps her order for the very thing you’ve been lusting over for at least 30 minutes. How could she? That pastry and you were meant to be together, not the first floozy who threw herself at it. And now you know without a doubt that you must give in.

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Ecstasy
How could you have imagined a life without this food and all of its sugary/fatty/salty goodness? Everything is perfect now. If someone stuck you with a pin you probably wouldn’t know because your mind is somewhere between layers of Red Velvet cake and cheesecake frosting and nothing can hurt you now. There’s a good chance all of your problems will be solved by the time you’re done licking the cupcake wrapper.

Regret
Why did I do that? Everyone’s staring at me. Oh my gosh, I’m that girl who makes out with her foot in public. How did I not notice all of the looks—or the piece of paper with “get a room” scrolled across it that someone lay on the table? Why did you do this to me? Expletive! You knew my resolve was weak and I was having a bad hair day and YOU TEASED ME ANYWAY AND NOW LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE. WE’RE OVER.

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Pleading
I know I left you in the fridge with a stinky baloney sandwich and someone’s leftover Indian takeout while I cheated on you with something so rich and decadent all the girls want it. It was meaningless. You’re my true love. I NEED YOU TO LOVE ME AGAIN SO WE CAN GO HOME AND I CAN EAT A GIANT SALAD AND ALL WILL BE RIGHT WITH THE WORLD AGAIN. ALSO, YOU LOOK ESPECIALLY RIPE TODAY.

Make up
You will never do that again. You will make all of the healthy foods feel loved and cherished every time you open the fridge. You will dream about them at work and nothing else. And if you’re hungry you’ll eat them and enjoy it more than you enjoyed the Food That Shall Not Be Named. It was a fling, you tell yourself. A stupid, childish thing. But you’re smarter now. You know better.

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Temptation
Oh, hi.

Hey guys, I’m also guest posting today on MizFit’s blog. If you want to head over there and read my post on dealing with exercise injuries or illnesses, I would smile so big my cheeks hurt.

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I hope all of you mothers out there had a wonderful day yesterday filled with breakfast in bed, hours lounging around, and dishes already cleaned and put away in the kitchen. Welcome back to real life.

P.S. The toaster’s on fire.

So I’m sure plenty of you have heard of the idea of an exercise afterburn. Researchers weren’t even clear whether or not it existed, but I read an interesting article that says it does—sometimes.

The idea is that exercise doesn’t just burn calories while you’re doing it; even when you’re done, your body keeps burning calories. This study learned that men who did 45 minutes of hard-core exercise burned 190 extra calories hours after they stopped.

The reason for the afterburn? Intensity. Compared to other studies, which found the body doesn’t continue to burn calories post-exercise, this one instructed participants to work out harder.

Which could give you another reason to push yourself at the gym. Think of it this way: Bike a little harder and your body might cover that chocolate bar you’re going to eat after dinner.

Or, um, do it to add extra calories to the ones you burned. Yanno—whatever works for you.

(But seriously, you sometimes cheat, right? I’m not the only one who’s worked out and then scarfed a Twix bar five hours later…right?)

There’s one more thing I wanted to talk about. My schedule. See, these days I kind of look like this:

So from now on I’ll be posting here on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I contemplated this for a long time. The conversation went something like this:

ME: I need to allot more hours to working on this book.
Me: So?
ME: So I think I might post less on my I’m {not} Superhuman blog.
Me: Stares blankly.
ME: What?
Me: Nothing. It’s just… Nothing, I’m sure it’ll be fine.
ME: What will be fine? Is that a bad idea?
Me: Well, your readers are going to hate you.
ME: But it’ll give me more time to comment on their blogs.
Me: They’ll visit you on Monday and forget you exist by Wednesday.
ME: Really?
Me: C’mon, people like to read blogs daily or three times a day.
ME: I won’t do it then.
Me: They hate you anyway, so you might as well do it.
ME: They hate me already?
Me: Yeah, you’re typing this conversation on your blog right now. They know how you feel.

And that’s basically the gist of it. I might have edited out some blatant name-calling. Which leads me to this…

Please don’t leave me.* I love you all, and if you go I’ll have serious abandonment issues that will probably screw up all of my future relationships.

I will try to bribe you with this:

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Pretty please, with a cherry on top?

And this:

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You are free to yell at me in the comments. Or tell me whether you work harder at the gym when you know you’re going to indulge.

See you Wednesday, guys!

*If you really feel like you won’t remember, you could subscribe to the newsletter (that pretty white envelope in the top left corner of the page. Or you could subscribe to the RSS feed, which basically guarantees permanent friendship. Until you dump me by clicking “unsubscribe.” But we won’t think about that.

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I don’t want to go.

I should go.

Maybe just a short nap.

This is nice.

A little longer.

I need to get up.

I’m up. Time for the gym.

Was that my stomach? Maybe I should have a snack…

Mmm…chocolate.

OK, I’m at the gym. Treadmill time.

But they’re all taken.

I should wait.

I want to go.

I should wait.

I’m going home.

Ahhh….this is better.

Tell me I’m not the only one who has done this before…

I was reading the New York Times’ Well column where Tara Parker-Pope asked readers to sum up their mother in six words. Since Mother’s Day is fast approaching, I thought I’d give it a try:

With a word to spare.

What six words would describe your mom or motherhood?

And while we’re at it, add your personal health (fitness, nutrition, chronic pain, wellbeing or some aspect of healthy living) motto using six words or less. Mine:

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1. I had a realization last night that it was, in fact, Tuesday instead of Wednesday.

2. I might have banged my head on my computer.

3. All that got me was bgjriw’z.

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4. I find this guy insanely awesome. Also, I love his accent.

5. There’s a very real chance I may break my Everything-Free diet on Nicole’s cheesecake-stuffed strawberries. Have Mercy.

6. I’m majorly excited to see this. I also can’t wait for this or this.

7. I realize I just revealed my true geekiness to you. Please love me anyway.

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8. Last night, I really wanted to watch another episode of My So Called Life.

9. But I also wanted to get more than five hours of sleep.

10. Jordan Catalano’s lean won.*

11. In other news, anyone know a caffeine free way to stay awake?

Your turn: Spill some of your “truths” for the day.

*If you don’t know who Jordan Catalano is and you were born after 1987, please don’t tell me. I feel old enough already.

So it’s not exactly the exciting asparagus, pineapple, and cucumber roll that I showed you yesterday, but last night’s dinner was good nonetheless.

Enter sushi.

Avocado and cucumber

Because avocado makes everything better.

Carrot and squash

The occurrence of anything but cucumber, avocado, and asparagus on a sushi menu is as rare as Halley’s Comet. I had to get it.

Asparagus

Because the place didn’t do asparagus and pickled radish for whatever insane reason. (I’m trying out new sushi places around us.)

Studies have shown sushi tastes 1.34 bajillion times better when preceded by miso soup. Unfortunately for me, this place didn’t offer miso to go. It’s a shame, but at least the sushi was good.

Of course, I’m not sure any place will compare to my first sushi experience. The vegetarian sushi list was crazy long. I remember the rolls I got perfectly: apple, sweet potato, and carrot (the perfect amount of sweet to go with the salty-spicy wasabi soy sauce) and cucumber, red pepper, carrot and avocado.

Which is why I need to learn how to roll my own sushi. Is it possible to lack this basic life skill? Will I fail miserably and hate myself for not ordering out?

You probably can’t tell, but I liked it.

I dished on my favorite sushi, like, ever. What’s yours?

As you know, I’m on this everything-free diet, which means I’m on the lookout for new recipes (that do no involve tofu because, um, ick.) I thought I’d share some of my picks from last week. Not all are gluten-free and vegan. For some, I’d skip the cheese or go with goat’s milk. For others I’d use a gluten-free grain.

Here we go…

Creamy avocado, arugula, broccoli soup from Honest Fare

Twice-baked potatoes from The Kitchen Sink

Husband’s healing stew from Oh She Glows

Warm salad of roast cauliflower and quinoa from Stone Soup

Gluten-free savory baking powder biscuits from I Heart Wellness

Asparagus, pineapple, and cucumber sushi from Peas & Crayons

Lentil bolognese from Prevention RD

Artichoke and white bean dip from Food, Fitness, FreshAir

What are you cooking this week? (Yeah, sandwiches and cereal count.)