life: super powers not included

Let’s talk about gluten-free bread.

There are some terrible, terrible gluten-free breads. If you’re curious, try rice bread. And then take a piece of sandpaper to your tongue to remove the taste.

There are some good breads, though I’ve only found one: Udi’s.

Generic wheat bread > the best gluten-free bread.

If this is wheat bread:

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This is gluten-free bread:

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Which is to say it’s dry. Like, 12 Saltines in your mouth dry.

Homemade gluten-free bread may look really good, but be warned: It takes effort. One that you—if you were, say, a certain girl with a certain superpowerless blog—might not want to waste.

Never try to eat a sandwich on untoasted or ungrilled gluten-free bread. You will end up with a sandwich salad.

Toasted and grilled bread don’t crumble to pieces at the sight of a hand.

Grilled gluten-free bread’s actually pretty good.

Especially when topped with goat cheddar and mozzarella, tomatoes and avocado—and then grilled.

You might crave a few slices of rustic wheat bread.

Even so, you’ll be satisfied.

And that’s all that matters.

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Thanks for your garden recommendations yesterday. You’ve convinced me to go for the strawberries. Of course now I wish they popped up in, like, two days.

Patience is not my greatest virtue. Or even one of my virtues, really.

So you know how annoying it is to shop for pants? In one store you’re a 2 but in H&M you’re a 22.* Or you might be a 4 in one style but a 6 in another.

I read an article in the New York Times about this new machine that helps narrow down the choices. It’s called MyBestFit, a booth that scans your body using low-frequency radio waves and then prints a list of places where you should shop—including which styles will fit you and in which size.

(So, Banana Republic Martin Fit 4, Banana Republic Jones Fit, 6.)

The company only works with a select group of stores, but I image that’ll change when every woman on earth who hates pants shopping starts scanning herself.

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Too-short pants makes her angsty.

What I can’t tell is whether the machine takes length into question. Before you all yell at me like, “YES! I always have to hem my pants!” I’d like to say that hemming pants is a lot easier than adding fabric.

My problem was that they were never long enough if I planned to wear shoes. Of course, that’s not a problem now, seeing as I can’t wear shoes. But that’s not the point. The point is, it sucks when you’re trying on a pair of pants and they stop above the ankle. A seamstress can’t really help there. So you have two options:

1. Don’t wear pants.
2. Buy them in a size larger.

About that second one… You may not know this (unless you’re tall), but length gets longer with size. So a size 2 has very short legs. A size 16 has a lot of length. It can be a problem for tall size 2s. That’s the reason I wore pants a size too big during high school. I’d wear a belt, but it’d do that annoying thing where the pants fold into a hump.

(Note: Not cool. Also, not really attractive.)

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Anyhow. The Times article also had a crazy statistic I wanted to share with you:

“A woman with a 32-inch bust would have worn a Size 14 in Sears’s 1937 catalog. By 1967, she would have worn an 8, Ms. Zulli found.”

I’m really hoping that most people in the ’30s wore larger sizes. Because I’m pretty sure you’d have to be 12 to fit into their version of a size 6.

FINALLY!! It would, of course, be easier to just to size all pants like they do for men. (After years of failing at jean searching, I gave up and went designer, which follows men’s sizing.) Instead of jumping into a fitting booth, each pair of pants would have a width and inseam.

No brainer. I’m not sure why women’s pants are sized differently, unless The Powers That Be think changing their sizes nonstop (and creating pants like 000000) builds our self-esteem—and lead$ to lot$ of $ale$.

What do you think? Would you use one of these booths? Or do you see another solution? And what’s the most annoying thing about pants shopping for you?

*Is it just me or does anyone else go up five sizes in that store?

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Well I’m swamped. Every time I look at the clock I’m amazed at how late is. Like yesterday, when I was working on contacting a million people, typing up notes, and sending follow-up emails. I looked at the clock, figuring it was probably noon and I should eat lunch. Only it was 4 p.m.

And then there are the past three nights. Each night, The Man and I have been sitting on the couch either working or blogging or watching TV, and we notice that it’s midnight.

I don’t know where those hours go. I suspect they’re slipping through my wardrobe and getting stuck in Narnia. Or somewhere like that…

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Anyhow, I haven’t been commenting on blogs much, but know that I’m reading. In some instances, reading your blogs has reminded me that it’s 8 p.m. and I should have dinner. I guess I owe you thanks.

So there’s that.

In other news, The Man and I are planning to create a container garden on our balcony. We get partial sunlight in the morning, but in the afternoon and evening it’s as sunny as the beach. Minus the sand. And the waves. And the view of the ocean instead of office buildings. Whatever.

I’m pretty sure our balcony garden will look like this in no time:

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Naturally, I will be beautiful and laze in the sun wearing nothing but a tunic and ankle boots.

Or, yanno, this:

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We’re planting basil because last year our little plant sprouted into a tree. It was sort of a mutant. I’m thinking we’ll also do parsley, cilantro, and mint—and maybe strawberries.

In the past I’ve planted dill, mint, and rosemary. Dill and I got along great for a while. But in the end, it didn’t work out. Because Dill died.

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If we grow strawberries, I can guarantee I’ll eat them every day until winter. Of course, that presumes that they’ll actually grow. This thumb is pasty white, not green.

Here’s my question: Has anyone else grown food on their balcony or railing or in the house? What fruits, veggies, or herbs should I try to grow?

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Let me preface this entire post by telling you I’m not a granola person. I don’t buy it regularly. I never topped my oatmeal with it or ate it straight from the bag.

I think my dislike stems from a bad experience with super sweet granola. You know the kind that has as much sugar as a brownie but doesn’t taste as good? Yeah, that.

So I would never have bought Love Grown Foods’ granola at the store. Thankfully, they were kind enough to send* me a sampler package, which really works out for them since I’ll be stocking up. Here’s why…

1. The granola is made with gluten-free oats and has a very short ingredients list. (Bonus: You can pronounce all of the words.)

2. They also don’t have any refined sugar, high-fructose corn syrup, artificial flavors, or trans fats.

3. It’s not too hard. Maybe it’s because I spend the night clenching and grinding my teeth, but hard chunks of granola make my jaw tired. Lame, I know. These were crunchy but not TMJ-inducing hard.

4. So I didn’t try this flavor. See, we were in the car and The Man was about to keel over from hunger, which would have been unfortunate considering he was driving. Still, we had to make it through D.C. before 4 p.m. (Anyone who lives in the area knows why.) Instead of stopping, I gave him a few packs of granola. And this was one of them.

He seemed to like the flavor, though I’m not sure he could taste anything in the 2.7 seconds it took him to devour the granola.

5. The Man went crazy over the Raisin Almond Crunch. Not that I didn’t like it, but I’m not really a fan of foods with raisins—though I’d bet this would be good (and Raisin Bran–like) with milk.

Also, there’s coconut. C’est tout.

6. Cocoa Goodness. Do I really need to say more?

7. I’ve mentioned how my So Restrictive It Better Work Diet (SRIBWD for short) bans sugar. I broke that rule with this granola. It’s made with agave nectar and honey, and I figured that if I were going to cheat, it might as well be with honey and agave instead of, say, an entire molten chocolate cake.

Here’s the thing: When I’m flaring like crazy, I can’t stand up without being in complete agony. Since The Man works during the day, and since I like to eat at least once a day, I need something I can grab fast. You know, for those times when my stomach eats itself and I transform into a cranky version of myself.

The granola was perfect for that, even if it did break the SRIBWD. I kept a bag beside me and if I was starving but flaring, I’d have some granola. I’m thinking of buying more for that purpose. (And, um, maybe because I like it.)

8. You can make this:

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Did I make it? Of course not. I found this photo after The Man and I had polished off every bag.

Are you a fan of granola? What’s your favorite kind? Also, anyone interested in a Love Grown Foods granola giveaway?

*I know what you’re thinking: She’s just giving this a good review because they sent it to her for free. I’d be thinking the same thing if this were your blog. I don’t do many reviews of products I receive for free for this very reason. Know this: My reviews are 100 percent honest.

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So we meet again.

I hope you guys had a great weekend and, if you celebrate it, a nice Easter yesterday. Mine wasn’t super eventful, though I did get to watch a movie I’ve been trying to see for six months.

It started when I tried to find 500 Days of Summer in the PlayStation video store. Strike 1. So I searched the Amazon.com movies on TiVo. Strike 2. Now it wouldn’t make sense for me to strike out in those places and hit a home run with Netflix’s Watch Instantly, but I tried anyway. Strike 3.

But wait, you say. What about iTunes? Right, well I searched iTunes on my computer without luck. And then I searched the iTunes store on our new Apple TV. No 500 Days of Summer.

At that point, I was super annoyed that the studios made it so hard to WATCH THEIR MOVIES. It seemed as if I had only four options:

1. Buy a copy. (I refused on principal.)
2. Steal a copy.*
3. Rent from Blockbuster (if I could find one still open).
4. Up my Netflix subscription to receive disks.

In the end, we changed our Netflix subscription. We had reverted to Watch Instantly because it’s the cheapest option. But we watch a lot of movies and many of those are the sucktastic ones they put on Watch Instantly, so we thought it was worth the splurge.

The good news: I loved the movie. If you haven’t seen it, I suggest spending six months trying to find it.

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OK, and in case you haven’t tried it, I want to tell you about an awesome tea The Man found at the grocery store. It’s Tazo’s Vanilla Apricot white tea.

So I’ve only tried it as iced tea (because if I held tea in my hands they’d get hot enough to fry an egg**) but it’s light and refreshing. And while I’m all for dark tea, like Assam, but this is a nice change. Plus, there’s only a hint of vanilla. I hate when tea goes too heavy on the vanilla. It makes my brain hemorrhage. (Or, you know, ache.)

I’m sure it’d be good hot and would probably have a stronger taste.

Pick a side: tea or coffee? Tea drinkers, what’s your favorite kind?

*You know that wasn’t really an option, right?

**Anyone remember the movie Hot Shots! where Charlie Sheen fried an egg on the stomach of a girl with a fever?

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It’s finally Friday. My life kind of revolves around Friday. I measure each day based on its distance from Friday. So the start of the week is 5 Days From Friday, the day after that is 4 Days From Friday, and so on. (I hear there’s another way to count the days.)

So yesterday I mentioned showing you an excerpt from the story I’m working on and some of you said that, yes, you’d like to see that. For the time being, I’ll direct you to my writing blog, where I posted my characters’ first kiss.

Let’s move on to today’s post.

TRY THIS

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I used to scoff at probiotics, back when they were only in yogurt. And I am still apprehensive about those, but not the probiotic pills.

I started taking probiotics a few years ago, when The Man was a pharmaceutical rep and a product of his was Align. It helped reduce stomach aches and digestive problems. My sister, who has worse stomach problems than anyone else I know, says it helps her with the pain. And a study of Align found that its particular bacteria reduced problems related to irritable bowel syndrome.

When I started taking antibiotics, I swallowed six probiotic pills a day. I eventually switched to Pearls because going through an entire pack of Align in a day was a bit too expensive.

I find both brands help with digestive issues. Here’s the thing: Just because one brand works for you doesn’t mean all probiotics will. And just because one brand works for me doesn’t mean it will work for you. There are different strains, different species, different preparations.

And about those probiotic yogurts. The amount of live cultures in them aren’t nearly enough to do much or anything. And scientists aren’t sure bacteria cultures can even live in that environment while holding on to their beneficial properties.

That’s not to say they don’t work for some people. (Cough. Jamie Lee Curtis. Cough, cough.) But they may not work for people with serious stomach issues.

AVOID THAT

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I know experts advise people who have a hard time meeting the eight-glasses-a-day rule to drink lemon water. And I’ll admit, it’s really good. For a while there, I was drinking more than eight glasses a day—all with a generous squeeze of lemon.

But then my dentist told me she was watching three spots in my teeth that might be cavities. Since I’ve had a million* cavities but floss daily, I asked if I was doing something wrong.

Turns out, it may be from the lemon water. The acid in the water stays on your teeth and eats away the enamel. Since I wasn’t about to swish with regular water every time I had a sip of lemon water, I quit it. (It was a messy breakup and I don’t even want to talk about it because if I do I know I’ll be tempted to drink it. And I don’t want to ride that rollercoaster romance anymore.)

Anyone else addicted to citrus water like I was? And what are your thoughts on probiotics? Do you take them?

*Maybe a little less. I do not, as implied, have the mouth of a shark.

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I’m halfway through revisions on my book. It sounds like I’ve made good progress, but really I should have said I’m only halfway through revisions. I’m rewriting a ton, which takes even longer.

Anyhow, because the book won’t revise itself (I know, what a douche) I must do it. Maybe when I’m closer to being done, I’ll post a teaser for you guys. I’m not sure. I’d be pretty embarrassed if you all hated it and commented like, “That passage was interesting.” We all know “interesting” is just code for pretty much any negative word you can think of:

Is that your baby? How interesting…

That’s your new shirt? Hm, interesting…

What do I think of your detailed plan? Well, interesting.

That’s an interesting choice of color for your walls.

You get it.

Anyhow, because I’m working on this book I’m leaving you with this awesome video:

It’s better than anything I could have written right now.

Pick a side: Buffy or Edward?

Thank you all for my birthday wishes. I wish we could have celebrated together. Oh, what the heck! Here, let’s feast:

Mmm…cupcakes.
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Dig in. Calories don’t count when they’re made of 1s and 0s.

I was thinking about the tragic day that is my birthday and I thought I’d give you guys a history lesson. But instead of being totally doom and gloom, I’ll also reveal some other people who were born on April 19.

THE GOOD

I’m sure there are plenty of lovely people born the same day as me. I know two, actually: a friend and my second cousin. And my college roommate was born today, which I think totally counts. But here are some famous people I share the day with:

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James Franco
YES THIS IS FOR REAL. The people googling him and finding my site are going to flip.

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Hayden Christensen

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Ashley Judd

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Kate Hudson

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The Sundance Kid, yes that Sundance Kid

THE BAD

The Shot Heard ‘Round the World
Yep, the Revolutionary War started on my birthday. I know this is technically a good thing being that we got our independence and all, but I’m sticking it in this list on account of the fact that it was a war.

Since I grew up near Concord, I went to a reenactment one year on my birthday. We camped out on the Concord green late April 18 until early morning April 19, waiting for someone to get a little too trigger happy and shoot the bullet that started the battle of Lexington and Concord—which became the Revolutionary War.

Waco, Texas
Let’s move on to something a little more tragic, OK? A 51-day standoff between the Branch Davidian sect and the FBI ended in a fire that burnt the group’s compound and killed a bunch of members and their leader.

Oklahoma City Bombing
Oh age 13 how I’ll always remember you as the year Timothy McVeigh blew up the Federal Building in Oklahoma City.

BUT IT CONTINUES…

You’d think after so many tragedies, April 20 would be amazing by comparison. You’d be wrong. Because…

Hitler
Yes, he was born today. And years later on my birthday, the Germans, under Hitler’s rule, established the Majdan-Tatarski ghetto in Poland.

Columbine
That’s right, the day after I turned 17 two kids went in and shot up their high school. Somehow that’s all I remember of that birthday.

Deepwater Horizon
And then, last year, this giant oil rig exploded, killing a bunch of workers and spilling oil into the Gulf of Mexico.

But let’s end on a high note, shall we? Me and Franco are birthday buds.

Or, um, he likes to decapitate me and hold up his kill because he’s kind of weird.

Who shares your birthday?

So it’s Tuesday and I’m working and everything is just like it was last Tuesday.

Only today I’m 29.

Which doesn’t even feel old considering my body’s 87. So really I’m regressing.

I think this calls for a gluten-free goat cheese pizza celebration. Don’t you?

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Hello, hello.

How was your weekend? Mine was uneventful, though I did pick up three key pieces of information:

1. My feet hate me more than I thought. I went to the doctor’s on Friday, at which time my physician told me my feet look like they have second degree burns.

Yes, MY BODY IS GIVING ME SECOND-DEGREE BURNS.

That was me shouting so as to underscore the absurdity of the matter.

2. The Man’s the best home chef a girl could ask for. When I’m burning, he makes my food and brings it to me. (Yes, it’s nice, but I’d rather not burn than have a man slave.) Anyways, I asked for a goat cheese and bean quesadilla with sprouts and this is what I got:

Note the tomato slices around the pile of sprouts. Five points for making my lunch look like something I might get at a café.

3. Eating a dairy- and gluten-free vegan diet is almost impossible when you’re nauseous. At least, it’s almost impossible when you’re in the car, plastic bag held to your face because you’re about to throw up any second.

If you’re wondering: I cheated.

So I’m curious what you do when you’re nauseous. The Man says he can’t eat. I need Saltines. What do you reach for—when you’re not reaching for the toilet?