Category — Fitness

photo by roberto rizzato
Yes, she really wore this much makeup. No, I’m not kidding.

Dear Woman with Too Much Makeup,

We can tell you’ve never experienced a gym before, so we’d like to bring something to your attention: You must share the machines. Management has checked the books and discovered that other members do in fact pay to use the gym, too. Frankly, we are as shocked as you are. Thus, going forth, you will not be allowed to dump all of your gear onto the leg press machine and walk away for five minutes. Unfortunately, unlike middle school, there is no calling fives at the gym. Or really anywhere else in life. Other members deem it unacceptable to wait for 15 minutes as you wander the gym, relax on the machine, and crank out a single set before repeating the entire process on another machine. We’re sorry for the inconvenience this may cause you.

Kindly,
Gym Management

photo by archangelus gabriel
Dude, you think that girl wants to use this machine we’re talking on?
Nahh, she just loves your short shorts.

Dear Chatty Men,

While Management believes socialization builds fruitful gym relationships, we discourage chitchatting while resting on a machine. While your banter may be enjoyable, other members have expressed concern about your occupying the machines solely for conversation—not for strength training. In the future, step away from the machines and continue your conversation in the conveniently located chairs near the weight room.

Kindly,
Gym Management

photo by lululemon athletica
Psst…We’re going to stay tight. Love, your hamstrings.

Dear Hamstrings,

A certain gimpy member has brought to our attention your stubbornness. It is our understanding that you are staying purposefully tight to spite said member. She appreciates the fact that you actually work. (Unlike other body parts we will not name. Knees.) However, she would appreciate it if you’d loosen after 20 minutes of stretching. Soreness is not becoming. Consider this your final warning: Cut. It. Out.

Kindly,
Gym Management

photo by canon in 2d
To answer your question, of course I can do that. Psht.

Dear Yoga Class,

Management applauds your motivation. However, we’ve been noticing lately how crowded the room has become. Certain members have expressed interest in starting up yoga again, but they’re concerned the jam-packed room may not allow for the attention to injury they require. May we suggest a 6 p.m. power spinning class instead? It’s similar to yoga in that there’s an instructor. Or how about hip hop aerobics? Like yoga, there is an A in the name. It also uses music, which yoga has, too. In closing, get the heck out of that yoga studio. Ahem.

Kindly,
Gym Management

Can you believe that this:

Is 28 today?

Me neither. I’m celebrating today (you know, by going to work all day and fun stuff like that) but I’ll be back (and older and wiser) tomorrow.

While I’m off partying like it’s 1982 over in cubicle 10, entertain yourselves:

These tips for going local on a budget are particularly useful since The Man and I are vowing to spend less.

Just in time for summer, a seriously simple guide to cutting a mango without wasting most of the flesh. Not that I do that or anything.

We’re back to not stretching, at least before workouts. I’m assuming a post-workout stretch is still a-OK. At least until the next study comes out.

Britney Spears has been turned into an airbrushed Barbie, and her “before” isn’t that bad. But that airbrushing was totally, 100 percent, absolutely, without a doubt necessary.

Disappointed you didn’t make the team, get the guy, win the bet, or whatever else it is that makes you curl up in the fetal position and suck on a chocolate bar? Here are seven surprisingly helpful tips for getting over it.

Which story do you find most interesting? And are you with me: The Briney Spears ad is unnecessarily photoshopped?

photo by vgm8383
Yeah, that’s a bad idea.

There are a lot of bad ideas. Take, for instance, the second dessert I ate the other night. Sounded good at the get go, but in reality it was one big mistake. Well, lately I’ve noticed a few other bad ideas. Perhaps their creators have a sick sense of humor. Or maybe they didn’t get the all-important foresight gene. Either way, here are some future fails…

photo by christianyves

Hot naked yoga. Because yoga mats wet from sweaty feet aren’t gross enough. The punch lines are endless with this one, but I’ll just add one more thing: Think real hard before using the studio’s free yoga mat. Real hard. [Read more →]

photo by twotoneati

Today we’re going to talk about long workouts. You might think this is because I sweated it out for hours and hours at the gym, but you’d be wrong.

(I did, however, have a heart-pounding, in-the-zone type workout on Wednesday. The good: I kept my speed high and the resistance way up. The better: I biked 8.5 miles. The best: No pain or redness.)

So, yeah, go me. But we’re not going to talk about that right now. (Though if you want, you can continue the discussion on your own. It’d be kind of weird, but I’m OK with that.)

The reason I want to talk about long workouts is because the Journal of the American Medical Association published a study this week that says normal-weight women who aren’t on a diet need to exercise an hour a day, seven days a week to maintain their weight. Compared to their peers who gained an average of 5.7 pounds over 13 years, those who exercised an hour a day gained less than 5 pounds

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photo from winningman

Tuesday is the highlight of my week not because I look forward in some twisted way to having a whole three days left of work but because of Lost. After seven painful days of wondering what’s going on, who’s going to die, who’s coming back to life, who’s possessed by a cloud of smoke, I can finally watch a new episode. (And get confused all over again. But that’s another story.)

Anyhow, before Lost is The Biggest Loser, and though I’ve never been a fan, I’ve watched the last few episodes. And they got me thinking: The show provides some pretty good tips on healthy living. So in honor of tonight’s episode, I bring you my Biggest Loser Tips For Being Healthy. (And yeah, NBC, I though of it first.)

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photo by prestigiacomo.patricia

I think I know a thing or two about training a man. (So, single ladies, listen up.) We’ve been married for an eternity almost four years, and though I’ll admit I still have more to learn (um, like how to get him to want to go to the gym on his own), there are some lessons experience has taught me.

Like this: Without a packed lunch and explicit instructions on avoiding the Golden Arches, The Man will order two double cheeseburgers, a large fries, and large Coke for lunch.

I give myself a break the first time I learn a rule. After that? My fault. The gazillionth time? Shame on me. That’s how I felt this weekend. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Let me use my stupidity to teach you. If my mistakes will help one of you live in harmony with the species that is The Man, then I’ve done my job on this earth.

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photo by sashaw

I know it sounds contradictory, but this week has somehow crept along and flown by at the same time. I’ve had so much to do that I can’t believe it’s already Friday—and all of my articles aren’t even 100 percent finished and edited and reworked and edited. (I’m kind of obsessive.)

Then again, I feel like I’ve been looking forward to the weekend since last Sunday at 12:01 a.m. (OK, really that would be Monday morning, but let’s pretend you know what I’m getting at here.) Funny thing is, I don’t even have anything planned this weekend. Though the more I look around my apartment, I’m thinking organizing the mess The Man made yesterday will feature prominently. Yeah, I’m exciting like that in a wannabe June Cleaver kind of way. (Minus the pumps. Those are killer on your knees.)

So I’d like to share a Really Awesome Revelation I had about four weeks ago. I’ve been holding out on you since this Really Awesome Revelation happened. My only hope is that you can forgive me for not immediately telling you about the best workout tip I’ve discovered in all three months of 2010. (In my defense, funny gym observations, kids on junk food, and lying to your face seemed much more important at the time. Really.)

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photo by merlijn hoek

Yawn. Oh, sorry, that was rude. It’s just that I’m still a little groggy from doing absolutely nothing at all last night. (Yeah, not sure how that works out but who am I to question the chronically sleepy body this brain came with?) Giant glass of ice water and bowl of oats to the rescue.

And, yeah, coffee would be nice. Ahem, The Man, it would be nice to have a cup of coffee. (See above.) Hello?

Oh whatever.

Remember way back when—yesterday—when I said I’d reveal the truths to my mysterious lies? Well, I lied. (Ha! That’s the beauty of having a blog. You can do whatever you want, like lie about a lying post. Incidentally, you can also post a photo of the crazy bruises you got yesterday from walking into the door twice, but that would just make you look like a total klutz.)

I’m not trying to annoy you—no, really, I’m not. I just figured I’d practice this great storytelling thingy I’m working on called suspense. So I might be failing, but go with me on this one. You can expect a great reveal, or at least a moderately fun one, on Monday.

Before I head out for a double belated family get-together—as in the snow cancelled our pre-Christmas plans as well as our rescheduled post-Christmas plans and we’re now celebrating Christmas, two birthdays, Easter, and Fourth of July just to be safe—I wanted to clear something up.

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photo by steve & jenna copley

The gym’s a silly place if you really pay attention. Because Wednesday is nothing more than a reminder there are still two more days to the workweek, I thought some musings might make for an entertaining break:

1. Old women have confidence, but sometimes that’s not a good thing. Eighty-year-old fake-n-baked woman at my gym with strange stomach wrinkles who wears a white sports bra and old spandex, I’m looking at you.

2. Leg presses tone your butt. Just when you think you’ve pumped your quads into submission you feel a deep ache in the butt. Yup, the exercise works that bigtime.

3. If you plan on doing reverse crunches, yoga, or other twisty poses, loose shorts aren’t the best idea. Thirtysomething woman who wears short shorts (and, thankfully, underwear) to contort, I’m talking to you.

4. Vitamins, protein shakes, workout clothes, and water double in price when they enter a gym.

5. 7 pm is the worst time to hit the gym if you plan to use cardio equipment, free weights, weight machines, Bosu balls, exercise balls, the exercise mat…

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photo by just luh.

You all had some great insight into yesterday’s discussion about kids’ chronic snacking. If you didn’t get a chance to read it, check it out here and leave your thoughts. I think going forward with the rising rates of obesity, the topic of emotional eating versus eating for hunger is going to continue being a big issue.

A couple people mentioned the fact that kids today are also moving less. That’s a whole other problem, but they go hand in hand, right? Well today I read about a study on our lack of movement. (Nope, this trial didn’t involve kids, but you can see how it could apply to the video game generation, too.)

I understand the irony of what I’m about to say seeing as I’m hooked on five—count ’em: five—TV shows. (If you’re curious, they’re Lost, 24, Fringe, Bones, and Heroes in that order.) Anyhow, turns out twenty- and thirtysomethings who watch more TV are more likely to develop risk factors for heart disease by the time they hit their 40s.

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