life: super powers not included

A Cure For What Ails You

Sleeping

Are you exhausted? Feeling sluggish and lackluster? Having a hard time keeping droopy eyelids open? You may be suffering from sleepiness.

Sleepiness is emotional: Confusion. Disorientation. Lack of interest.

It’s physical, too: Yawning. Snoring. Spontaneous unconsciousness.

Sugar can help. Sugar is a natural medication that treats the emotional and physical symptoms of sleepiness.

Tell your doctor right away if your sleepiness worsens or you suddenly go blind. These may be signs of a serious problem. Stop taking Sugar if you have unusual changes in mood or behavior, such as euphoria or hyperactivity followed by crankiness and mind-blowing withdrawl. Sugar is not non-habit-forming.

Side effects are mild and may include dizziness, headache, nausea, weight gain, attentiveness, drowsiness, cavities, heart palpitations, hand tremors, procrastination, and the unexplainable ability to bounce off walls.

Sugar is not for everyone. People taking MAOI inhibitors, NSAIDs, statins, and/or Tylenol should not eat sugar. Do not take Sugar if you operate heavy machinery, such as a car, laptop, or cell phone. If you are pregnant or nursing, or hope some time in the next 30 years to become pregnant or to nurse, do not eat sugar; it may turn your baby into a gremlin.

Do not take sugar if you sleep more than eight hours a day or fewer than seven hours. Do not take sugar after 9 p.m. as this may interfere with sleep patterns. Sugar may cause you to eat everything in your kitchen, including that old stale cereal you almost forgot about. Sugar is not for children under 12 as it may interfere with nap time and quiet time. Children under 12 who eat sugar may sprout wings and rapidly fly around the room like bats.

Ask your doctor if Sugar is right for you.

Because you don’t have to be sleepy anymore.

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24 comments

1 Nicole { 09.09.10 at 7:19 am }

Ha, ha. LOVE this!

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2 Estela @ Weekly Bite { 09.09.10 at 7:35 am }

You are hilarious!!! Love it!

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3 Wei-Wei { 09.09.10 at 8:11 am }

Sugar may also cause inexplicable cravings. For more sugar. In these cases, our customer service will gladly provide you with a special deal, charging only $9.99 a month as an addict’s fee.

Have a nice day. Have some Sugar.

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Tracey Reply:

HA HA HA.

Can I do a Comment of the Week? You win.

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4 FoodFitnessFreshair { 09.09.10 at 8:37 am }

Haha, can I get a prescription for this thing you call sugar?

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Tracey Reply:

Good news: You can get a prescription, sure, but it’s also OTC.

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5 Joy Manning { 09.09.10 at 8:40 am }

Maybe my favorite post of yours ever. Funny.

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6 eatmovelove { 09.09.10 at 8:41 am }

LOL . I got this prescription ALL wrapped up. I overdose regularly. No intervention has stopped me now. I’m past denial and in acceptance.

;)

Don’t you laugh at those commercials for Med’s and weight-loss stuff that tout all these “good” things and then spend about 5 mins. talking about the horrible side-effects and who shouldn’t take it…which usually sounds like, oh, EVERYONE! LOL.

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Tracey Reply:

Yes, and often those side effects are things like: bleeding from your ears and spontaneous combustion.

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7 Jill { 09.09.10 at 9:38 am }

That was amazing. I love it.

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8 Heather C { 09.09.10 at 9:57 am }

LOL! Loved that whole thing and especially the gremlin baby.

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9 Fit Chick in the City { 09.09.10 at 10:14 am }

This is great! I seriously need less sugar!

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10 Amy @ Second City Randomness { 09.09.10 at 10:18 am }

Do not take sugar after coffee or large amounts of caffeine consumption and low amounts of food consumption. This leads to the shakes, not being able to focus and headaches.

Learn from my mistakes. It’s a miserable combination… ugh

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11 TheHealthyApron { 09.09.10 at 11:40 am }

The perfect post to perk me up and smile!

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12 Nichole { 09.09.10 at 11:46 am }

Ask your doctor if you have experienced a sugar-high for more than 4 hours.

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Tracey Reply:

YES!!

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13 Crystal { 09.09.10 at 2:50 pm }

If you or anyone you know has suffered from taking sugar, call the law offices of ——-. It’s all about your rights. We will fight for you.

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Tracey Reply:

Ambulance chasers always welcome in the comments. ;)

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14 Nicole, RD { 09.09.10 at 7:02 pm }

Heart palpitations, I hope not! :) LOL!

Reminds me of a few weeks ago when a co-worker had a HUGE slice of apple cake and a HUGE apple dumpling for lunch. She went high as a kite and crashed before my very eyes!

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15 Averie (LoveVeggiesAndYoga) { 09.09.10 at 8:13 pm }

ok I freakin love sugar!!!!!! It’s not “cool” to admit, but hey, I dont care about cool :) I care about getting my sweet tooth on! LOL :)

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16 Lauren { 09.09.10 at 8:54 pm }

Haha this is awesome! Such a creative post! :) Sugar will build you up…and then almost always let you down.

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17 Pure2Raw Twins { 09.09.10 at 9:55 pm }

Love it, haha! You are so cute!

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18 Joanna Sutter (Fitness & Spice) { 09.10.10 at 7:54 am }

You crack me up!! Awesome post!

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19 Kath (Eating for Living) { 09.12.10 at 3:25 pm }

Haha, I devoured that post!

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