life: super powers not included

Things Google Says

Monkey with Cokephoto by salim virji
Monkeys these days, drinking soda, watching TV. Sheesh.

So, as you all know, the greatest thing about writing a blog is reading the keywords that sent people to your site.

I’m happy to report that the No. 1 word that brought people to my site is Lost. I’m not sure, but it might have been the dozen of posts that mentioned Lost. Or my kind of severe obsession with the show.

Then there are the usual suspects—every variation of I’m (not) Superhuman you can think of plus some HELP MY KNEE HURTS AND I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! from poor souls who also have knee pain or want to get PRP. I think those people found what they were looking for.

But what about the others? Do they deserve to search Google, click all the way on over to my blog, and leave empty handed? Not if I have something to say about it.

All you people who went on a search spree and didn’t find what you were looking for, I’m going to respond to your search queries now. Because I’m nice like that and I want you to visit. (But not you, snot man. That’s a little creepy.)

All the women at my gym check me out.
Aren’t you lucky, you stud, you.

Eating ginger for runner’s knee
I wish. I feel your desperation. It’s kind of like when I googled “magic cures for knee pain.” I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but nope.

Happy birthday I don’t have a gift.
That’s OK, I’ll still like you. Just put some cash in a card and we’ll call it even.

Another way to say don’t worry be happy
Chill, mon.

How come I don’t sweat when it’s hot outside?
Because you’re indoors next to the air conditioner. Hardee har har.

How to tell your boyfriend he is eating too fast?
Slow down.

Is it possible for snots to come out your eye sockets when blowing your nose?
I’m not even going to go there. Call a doctor.

How to tell the brain I’m not hungry?
I’d try, “Heya brain. What’s up? Not much here man. So I’m totally not hungry or anything. Might as well forget about lunch. Ya know, because I’m so not hungry.”

How to trick the brain to think you eat more then you actually did?
Hm, I’m guessing the tip from above didn’t work? OK, well start by piling a load of food in front of you. I’m talking pizza, burgers—the works. Then take a few bites of salad. Shut your eyes. Then quickly remove the rest of the food. (I realize this may be tricky with closed eyes, but do the best you can.) Now, open. See brain? No food. It helps if you say that out loud. Oh, and don’t forget to close with, “I ate it all myself!”

Monkey watching too much TV
OK, fine maybe he is. But what’s it to ya? He’s just a monkey. Let him have some fun already.

Turkish bath massage buttocks
Sounds like the stuff nightmares are made of. Unless, of course, you’re searching for a Turkish bath that does butt massages in which case I’ll save you some trouble: This site is going to be no help to you whatsoever.

I am so stressed that I feel like punching something.
Ah, don’t we all? But then you end up still stressed with another thing to worry about: a broken or at least severely scraped-up fist. Just go eat some ice cream, friend.

I don’t like fennel.
OK. I don’t like onions.

Gremlin with lipstick.
I think you’re looking for this. You’re welcome.

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33 comments

1 Joanna Sutter (Fitness & Spice) { 07.21.10 at 8:08 am }

This cracks me up! You should see some of the stuff I google…it even makes me giggle some days!

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Tracey Reply:

Me too. Mine is more along the lines of “headache + 10 days + am I dying a slow or quick death?” I might be a tad of an over-reactor.

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2 Sagan { 07.21.10 at 8:23 am }

Ahaha that’s awesome!

Most of the search terms for my blog are pretty reasonable, but I just found one that says “cinnamon capsule stuck throart”. Wha? I’m guessing it should be “throat”, but even so… weird.

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Tracey Reply:

And painful.

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3 Kelly @ Healthy Living With Kelly { 07.21.10 at 8:32 am }

Thanks for the smiles this morning. I needed to laugh out loud and you delivered.

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4 Estela @ Weekly Bite { 07.21.10 at 8:42 am }

This is hysterically funny!!!!!!

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5 Gabriela @ Une Vie Saine { 07.21.10 at 9:00 am }

I literally started laughing out loud while reading this, especially the tricking your brain thing. When will people learn that YOU CAN’T TRICK YOUR BRAIN BECAUSE IT’s WHAT’S TELLING YOU TO EAT?!

Sorry, got a little carried away there. Excellent post :)

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Tracey Reply:

Wait, you can’t? So I made this mess with closed eyes for nothing?!

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6 Samantha Angela @ Bikini Birthday { 07.21.10 at 9:06 am }

This is hilarious!
Almost as hilarious as putting one of the five w’s (who what where why when) into google and seeing what automatically comes up like “why” …”did I get married”! haha

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Tracey Reply:

Or… “Why is a raven like a writing desk?” Better question: Is a raven like a writing desk? Nope.

I love Google search suggestions. Either they’re spot-on or so funny.

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7 Amy B @ Second City Randomness { 07.21.10 at 9:30 am }

Ahahaha… yours are so much better than mine! I get really generic ones… like just the word “panties” came up this week. What???

And dude… that snot issue sounds pretty serious.

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8 Bekah @ runtrackmind { 07.21.10 at 10:01 am }

Hilarious! Thanks for brightening my morning with a few laughs!

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9 katie { 07.21.10 at 10:29 am }

HAHAHA i love this! GIRL i have to google.. like EVERYTHING! sometimes its bad (medical stuff) and sometimes its good (online shopping!! )

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10 Wei-Wei { 07.21.10 at 10:56 am }

Hahahaha this is so funny! I love the gremlin lipstick :P

Wei-Wei

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11 tricia { 07.21.10 at 11:04 am }

too funny, i need to check out mine

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12 Nichole { 07.21.10 at 11:17 am }

Mother of pearl. Imma have to reapply my mascara. This is friggin hysterical. I might have to make the monkey or the gremlin a new desktop background.
This is classic.

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Tracey Reply:

Ha ha … I love that: Mother of pearl!

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13 Hilary@coffeeismycarrot { 07.21.10 at 11:27 am }

I was severely Lost obsessed, too. Who wasn’t Brotha ? :) I’m seriously considering watching the whole series all over again on DVD. I’m going through withdrawls!

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Tracey Reply:

Good, then you won’t think I’m nutso for saying I’m definitely watching the entire series again–it’s just a matter of when I can carve out the time. I don’t care what anyone says. Best. Series. Ever.

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14 FoodFitnessFreshair { 07.21.10 at 11:37 am }

Turkish bath massage buttocks…hm, that’s an interesting one, ahahaha.

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15 Averie (LoveVeggiesAndYoga) { 07.21.10 at 12:33 pm }

hahah these are good! and i HATE onions but i actually adore fennel b/c when i roast it, it tastes nothing like licorice or onions, which most ppl say it does…but not mine…weird huh :)

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Tracey Reply:

You hate onions? I love you.

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16 Laura (B Foxy Fitness) { 07.21.10 at 12:34 pm }

Hilarious post! The lipstick gremlin made my day :) I just signed up for Google Analytics, but I’m only a newbie blogger, so don’t think I would show up in anyone’s search results. Thank you for the daily laugh! As always, you rock!

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Tracey Reply:

I’m actually not sure how I show up in search results but I think I have my mother to thank for that.

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17 Fit Chick in the City { 07.21.10 at 2:23 pm }

Love this post!

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18 Nicole, RD { 07.21.10 at 3:56 pm }

LMAO! I LOVE LOVE LOVE reading what people search for and I pop up! Mine are not near as funny, sadly!! I just love those! But the Lost doesn’t surprise me!

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19 kalli@fitandfortysomething { 07.21.10 at 5:14 pm }

oh girl you are hilarious! love this!

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20 Lauren @ She's a Runner { 07.21.10 at 7:10 pm }

Haha! I love this. I always get such a kick out of what people search on Google that leads them to my blog. I’ve had “sleeping black man” and “white baby girl” recently…Those people who searched for it must have been very disappointed to find my blog, which has nothing to do with sleeping black men or white babies and has never mentioned those things. Sorry to be a disappointment, peeps!

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Tracey Reply:

Those are really random. Looks like you’ve got one woman looking for a husband and another looking for a child. Or you have some creepiness going on…

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21 Jolene (www.everydayfoodie.ca) { 07.22.10 at 11:47 am }

Those are hilarious!!!

How do you find out that information (what people are searching that leads them to your blog)?

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Tracey Reply:

I use Google Analytics, which shows you where your readers come from, which search terms they use, among other stats. It’s really useful and sometimes hilarious.

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22 Brittany { 07.22.10 at 12:14 pm }

Hahaha awesome!! I’m trying to contain my laughter at my desk right now…

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