Antisocial Behavior
photo by D Sharon Pruitt
There was a giant cul-de-sac bordered by a weedy field that rose to a hill at the far reaches of our neighborhood. You could get there by turning onto Yankee Hill Road about a mile down the hill, at the white house where all the kids went to get candy and 50-cent coins from the old woman who lived inside. On your way, you’d pass a brown Colonial with an above-ground pool and a top-secret fort in the backyard. That’s where you’d find Kim. My best friend.
When we were younger, we’d hop on our bikes and circle the cul-de-sac until we got dizzy or bored, then we’d race down the hill, sometimes with no hands. Or we’d sit squarely in the middle of the circle—because no cars drove down that far—and talk about the things second graders talk about. I could tell what Kim was thinking without words, not because I was special but because we were friends. And that’s what friends do, right?
Maybe not.
There was an article in the New York Times that got me thinking about childhood friendships. It mentioned a recent study that found half of all American teens send 50 or more text messages a day. (Among other tech stats, like the fact that most kids don’t know what a land line is. Kidding. I think.) The writer and the experts she interviewed wondered whether technology is changing what friendship means. Instead of talking face-to-face, teens are texting or leaving messages on each other’s Facebook walls.
And now for the priceless quote:
“I’ve definitely done phone calls at one time or another but it is considered, maybe, old school.”
(In other news, I’m old.)
The article made me think about my friendships growing up, from elementary school through college. What would it have been like if my friends and I had communicated virtually instead of in the same room?
Sucky day.
Y?
Hate boys.
OMG. Totally.
M didnt notice me.
He’s a Lsr.
Im ovr him.
U shld b
Crying
Got 2 go. Cya.
I’m not convinced I’d be better off. I think I’ll keep my two-hour chat fests.
On the other hand, I hate talking on the phone. I always have, and I’m pretty sure that’s not changing any time soon. In which case I get the virtual life thing. I much prefer to watch TV, eat, and catch up on blogs all while talking to someone online than do all of that while talking one on the phone. (I’m not that good at multitasking.) Still, I can’t imagine those interactions as my main source of contact for all of my close friends.
There’s so much you learn about a person face-to-face, like what they look like when they laugh so hard they cry (hint: it doesn’t look like LOL). Or what a friend looks like when they’re hiding something. Or when they are hurting. Those are things you can fake in writing—especially with emoticons, because who ever doubts 
? You can’t fake ’em in real life.
Here’s my last point before this post becomes a novel: There are a lot of ways that technology has the opposite effect. Like here. I would have never met any of you. I love you all very much, and I think it’s so great we have a virtual friendship going on here. Still, I think we’d be even better friends in person. For one, I always show up bearing chocolate.
What are your thoughts on what the New York Times dubs antisocial networking?
22 comments
I see it all the time. I’ve got teenagers, and some of their friends CANNOT communicate in person effectively. And these are academically smart kids, just not socially smart. It’s actually kind of disturbing because when they are required to function in business/home/social environments as adults how will they do?
Great post!
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Tracey Reply:
May 6th, 2010 at 7:42 am
Diane–Thanks for your comment. It’s good to get the parents’ perspective. And I can see how their communication skills would suffer. One parent in the article talked about how his kid is becoming more and more withdrawn from face-to-face interactions.
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I totally agree with this. Sometimes my generation really gets caught up in this sort of “social” networking… I feel really bad when I find myself instant messaging to someone across the room, then one of us says, “You know we can actually talk, right?” and then we look up at each other awkwardly and laugh. Seriously… a computer, or phone, screen can never replace talking to someone face-to-face. I wish I could learn that [sigh]
Wei-Wei
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I HATE talking on the phone, too. I think it’s because I’m on the calls all day with clients and the last thing I want to do is chit chat socially on the phone. I do text and blackberry message but it’s just to get info fast and not to carry on and on about nothin.
It will be interesting to see how this generation turns out…they won’t be able to talk or spell!
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Tracey Reply:
May 6th, 2010 at 7:58 am
Joanna– u r sooooo rite!
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I’ve got to agree with that article. I feel lucky to have been probably the last generation to actually PLAY outside and do “normal” kid things. I was definitely borderline, though, because I got my first phone was I was about 13 and started using AIM around that time as well. But like I said – I still got the chance to ride my bike, play house, fake running away (haha), and that whole deal. I’m definitely going to be that mom who forces her kids to go play outside when they beg me to stay in and play on the computer…
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I think there is value in face to face friendships. I think it is sad that most kids today live in a text message/video game world. But I am sure that my parents thought it was sad that I had a land line phone in my bedroom…you know?
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There is extreme value in face to face friendships. I teach high school and the kids are on their phones all the time. It is not allowed, but they are very sneaky. Often times, superficial “phone” relationships are created because it makes it easy for them to not put in the effort and time that a true friendship requires. Unfortunatley, they also get burned big time by being extremely mean to their “friends” via texting and social media. And don’t even get me started on the “sexting”, but I suppose that is another topic.
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Tracey Reply:
May 6th, 2010 at 9:43 am
Samantha–Yeah, that’s a whole other (scary) post.
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Very well written Tracey. I recently took a class that talked a lot about the transformation of our society’s communication. Among a class full of college students, I was one of the very few who still seems to romanticize non-technology communication. I think there’s nothing better than a good face-to-face conversation, and these kinds of conversations just can’t via texting or even online. We’re an instant gratification generation, and waiting to be heard is just not something we want to deal with. But the sad part of it is, we’re losing touch with the wholehearted benefits of communicating in person.
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Its funny because people I consider friends and family….I ‘talk” to only via email…no joke…my phone plan doesnt allow outside calls either way…it would cost someone
And I dislike phone …i know..i guess i am a bit weird/antisocial like that.
Email works for me, but it is pretty pathetic!
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LOL at “phone calls being old school” – welcome to the business world kiddies. I’m pretty sure my clients would fire me if I decided to text them instead of returning phone calls (that said we do use email a LOT).
Technology has offered us great options – blogging, email, texts when you just don’t want to talk and need a quick answer to something, but I will never be ok with the too common site of 2 friends out together, each on their respective phones (via text or otherwise) at the same time. In person interaction is a good thing. Besides, can you imagine dates via text?
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I hate talking on the phone too! I don’t mind doing it when it comes to work but for some reason with friends I’d much rather be emailing them or talking to them in person. Isn’t that weird? I have no idea what my problem is.
I think our kids are going to have a tough time really getting to know people because of texting and email. Soon people will just be holed up at home on the computer and there will be no need for social gatherings. Maybe not but you know what I mean. Hopefully?
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Tracey, I love this post. I didn’t read the times article, but do really love how this took me back to my sweetest of sweet childhood friendships.
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I hate talking on the phone too. Hate it. But I also hate sitting at a table with a group of friends while they are all typing away on their blackberries and iPhones, not talking to each other.
There is a fine line between the wonders of technology and the ugliness of it. It can be really great for making connections (as you say, there are such wonderful connections many of us have made through blogging) but it can also be so isolating. Because if all you do is sit at home and type away at your computer, you are missing out on that one-on-one social interaction that even a phone call doesn’t supply. I think that human contact is important, and lack of it can be quite depressing.
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I like chocolate
I hate the phone, too! But yet, I hide on Gchat and I never go on AIM/Skype. I basically don’t have enough time. I hit “ignore” on my phone if I don’t have at least 30 minutes because I know some YAPPERS. Like, can’t get a word in edgewise YAPPERS. But yeah, I’m with you…I’d rather multitask…blog…TV…IM, than just sit and chat over the phone. But there’s nothing like some good conversation sitting outside with a cold one and a good friend, either!
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I’m so old. I have a phone with a tiny Qwerty keboard now, but sending text messages is a slow, painful experience. My glasses aren’t good enough. I prefer just calling someone if I need to talk to them, and I can’t imagine texting only. That said, I hate talking on the phone and always have, even when it was still two cans and a string …
Face-to-face conversations with friends and loved ones is the only way to go, if you want to keep relationships healthy and alive (except for friends and relatives who live far away, of course). I like email (as a writer, it appeals to me) but the other social networks, like FB and Twitter, leave me cold. I guess I’ll have to adapt.
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I dunno – I’m a rabid texter. And I’m 31. Not sure if that makes me pathetic or, you know, hip or whatever. All I know is that it feels more efficient. I too hate talking on the phone most of the time. Unless it’s my daily hour-long chat fests with my sister. There’s a time and a place for everything I guess!
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I do text and use Facebook, but I prefer talking to friends on the phone or in person. I was bugging one of my friends about how we hadn’t talked in a while, and do you know what his response was? “Well, I see all your Facebook updates, so I feel like I know what’s happening in your life.” What the heck?? Since when did Facebook replace face-to-face? That got me SO mad. Since then, I’ve been more motivated to get together with my friends.
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Tracey Reply:
May 10th, 2010 at 1:43 pm
Breaking Silence–That’s exactly what I’m talking about. Since when did Facebook updates constitute real conversation between friends. I know for one I never pour my heart out on Facebook.
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[...] Antisocial Behavior [...]
We need personal contact as humans are created that way to read and expect others emotions and feelings. You cannot get this from a screen on a phone. I think the younger generations are missing out on that contact of just meeting people face-to-face and learning how to pick up on body language.
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