life: super powers not included

Sincerely, Gym Management

Lots of makeup
photo by roberto rizzato

Yes, she really wore this much makeup. No, I’m not kidding.

Dear Woman with Too Much Makeup,

We can tell you’ve never experienced a gym before, so we’d like to bring something to your attention: You must share the machines. Management has checked the books and discovered that other members do in fact pay to use the gym, too. Frankly, we are as shocked as you are. Thus, going forth, you will not be allowed to dump all of your gear onto the leg press machine and walk away for five minutes. Unfortunately, unlike middle school, there is no calling fives at the gym. Or really anywhere else in life. Other members deem it unacceptable to wait for 15 minutes as you wander the gym, relax on the machine, and crank out a single set before repeating the entire process on another machine. We’re sorry for the inconvenience this may cause you.

Kindly,
Gym Management

Men talking
photo by archangelus gabriel

Dude, you think that girl wants to use this machine we’re talking on?
Nahh, she just loves your short shorts.

Dear Chatty Men,

While Management believes socialization builds fruitful gym relationships, we discourage chitchatting while resting on a machine. While your banter may be enjoyable, other members have expressed concern about your occupying the machines solely for conversation—not for strength training. In the future, step away from the machines and continue your conversation in the conveniently located chairs near the weight room.

Kindly,
Gym Management

Hamstring Stretchphoto by lululemon athletica
Psst…We’re going to stay tight. Love, your hamstrings.

Dear Hamstrings,

A certain gimpy member has brought to our attention your stubbornness. It is our understanding that you are staying purposefully tight to spite said member. She appreciates the fact that you actually work. (Unlike other body parts we will not name. Knees.) However, she would appreciate it if you’d loosen after 20 minutes of stretching. Soreness is not becoming. Consider this your final warning: Cut. It. Out.

Kindly,
Gym Management

Yoga pose
photo by canon in 2d

To answer your question, of course I can do that. Psht.

Dear Yoga Class,

Management applauds your motivation. However, we’ve been noticing lately how crowded the room has become. Certain members have expressed interest in starting up yoga again, but they’re concerned the jam-packed room may not allow for the attention to injury they require. May we suggest a 6 p.m. power spinning class instead? It’s similar to yoga in that there’s an instructor. Or how about hip hop aerobics? Like yoga, there is an A in the name. It also uses music, which yoga has, too. In closing, get the heck out of that yoga studio. Ahem.

Kindly,
Gym Management

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28 comments

1 Estela @ Weekly Bite { 04.22.10 at 7:57 am }

Hahahaha! I love this post! Everything you wrote is so true!

I just don’t get the women who wear tons of makeup at the gym. I can understand if they’re single and want to look pretty… if that’s the case, dab a little lip gloss on and a thin layer of powder to even out the skin tone. The key is to look like you’re gonna work out… not go stand on the street corner and pick up ;)

By the way… I can totally see why you’re a writer for a living!

[Reply]

Tracey Reply:

Estela–I don’t even think this woman was wearing blush. I believe it was rouge, like my grandmother used to wear. That’d be OK if she didn’t dump all of her gear on the machines then walk away. So. Not. Cool.

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2 Tweets that mention Sincerely, Gym Management — i'm (not) superhuman -- Topsy.com { 04.22.10 at 8:13 am }

[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Tracey Neithercott. Tracey Neithercott said: New post! Dear woman shouting at the phone on the treadmill, knock it off. And other gym notes: http://bit.ly/bmHs9u [...]

3 Joanna Sutter (Fitness & Spice) { 04.22.10 at 8:20 am }

HILARIOUS! If only the other gym members could be JUST LIKE US!!!

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4 Kelly @ Healthy Living With Kelly { 04.22.10 at 9:25 am }

Bahaha….all of those are 100% TRUE!!! Love Love Love it! I am totaly tweeting this!!!

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5 Heather @ Side of Sneakers { 04.22.10 at 9:31 am }

Hahaaaa this was hilarious…and SO TRUE!!!

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6 FoodFitnessFreshair { 04.22.10 at 10:28 am }

Hahah, love this!! Everything is so true….chit chatters can be so irritating, my hamstrings never cooperate as much as I’d like them to, and there’s never enough yoga classes!

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7 Jocelyn @ Peace.Love.Nutrition { 04.22.10 at 12:26 pm }

hahah pretty funny!!! That’st such a pet peeve of mine when girls wear full make up to the gym. Gym is for sweating!

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8 Lauren @ OneDayataTime { 04.22.10 at 1:28 pm }

Haha I have seen most of this happen at the gym, along with many other frustrating things. I could write a few more “sincerely, gym management” letters.
Machine hogs have the be the most annoying thing- you said it perfectly- other people pay to use the gym too!
Thanks for the laugh

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9 Diane Fit to the Finish { 04.22.10 at 2:59 pm }

Very, very funny! I can just imagine this.

When I did a 5K last year so many of the woman had full faces of makeup – it just annoys me.

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10 Dawn (HealthySDLiving) { 04.22.10 at 3:40 pm }

HAHAHA Love it!!!

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11 Fit Chick in the City { 04.22.10 at 4:20 pm }

Oh geez! You’re getting me all started up again. =) I could write an entire book like this. These are great!

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12 Anna (munchingmamacita) { 04.22.10 at 9:03 pm }

hahahaha This post definitely made me laugh. I feel like I can relate to all of them! How about Dear person who thinks its okay to pass gas in aerobics classes. Seriously, the worst.

[Reply]

Tracey Reply:

Anna–Eww, but OK:

Dear person who thinks its okay to pass gas in aerobics class,

As of today, Thursday, April 22, your membership has been revoked. Management encourages you to work out at home. Alone. With open windows.

Kindly,
Gym Managment

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13 Vee { 04.23.10 at 9:35 am }

LOL, I am really tempted to print this out and hang it at my gym! Great post, I am still laughing my head off! :-)

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14 Julia @ British Bride { 04.26.10 at 11:42 am }

Loving this post, in fact, loving your blog in general.

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Tracey Reply:

Julia–Glad you enjoyed it! I love that you love my blog. :)

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15 Nicole, RD { 04.26.10 at 12:22 pm }

Haha! Tracey, I’m LOLing at my desk! This was great! Especially the women with make-up! I always love the perfectly coordinated gym outfits (headband, jacket, and shoes, too!). Like, seriously? I wouldn’t spend that much on a 5 star event outfit (if I were to go to a 5 star event). Oh, gyms…you bring out the craziest of folks!

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16 Lisa { 04.28.10 at 4:51 pm }

Love it! I am so annoyed with my gym–on a weekly basis. I STILL haven’t been able to take a pilates or spin class because they are ALWAYS FULL. >.<

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17 Lisa { 10.16.10 at 7:51 pm }

That’s too funny. Thank you! I get soooooooo annoyed with idiots at the gym. I once saw a girl in a dress and knee-high STRIPPER boots on. And perfume. And full makeup. And she got on the elliptical machine next to me. Seriously?!?

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18 Alyssa { 12.08.10 at 5:42 pm }

OMG. All gym bunnies (including myself) have to be seriously in love with this post. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to do the same… only my letters would be addressed to “Man Who Has Never Met The Shower,” “Small Child Using The Treadmill As An Entertainment Center,” and “Lady Who Takes Up The Whole Room In Body Pump.”

;)

[Reply]

Tracey Reply:

Oh yes, I’ve met many Men Who Have Never Met The Shower at the gym. It makes me want to stuff my face into my towel. Ick.

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19 Carlee { 12.20.10 at 10:26 pm }

I think all they people workout at my gym too. Weird!

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Tracey Reply:

You know, I hear they get around. ;)

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20 Liz @ IHeartVegetables { 02.03.11 at 12:26 pm }

hahahahaha this post made me fall in love with your blog. I’m now a subscriber. haha

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Tracey Reply:

Was that the real reason or did word get out that subscribers make me do a happy dance? And that I’m a dorky dancer? :)

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21 ashley @ ashley's adventures in alaska { 02.17.11 at 1:57 am }

I love this! There are a few people in my gym I’d like to have letters written to: the people that take up the treadmills for their forever long walk at 1.2 mph, the weird guy that thinks that the area right in between the stretching area and the water fountain is the perfect place to perfect his street fighting skills with imaginary people by punching in the air, and maybe a few others. :)

[Reply]

Tracey Reply:

Ha ha ha! It sounds like getting a drink of water is dangerous in your gym.

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