Things You Should Never Do If Your Husband Is The Man
photo by prestigiacomo.patricia
I think I know a thing or two about training a man. (So, single ladies, listen up.) We’ve been married for an eternity almost four years, and though I’ll admit I still have more to learn (um, like how to get him to want to go to the gym on his own), there are some lessons experience has taught me.
Like this: Without a packed lunch and explicit instructions on avoiding the Golden Arches, The Man will order two double cheeseburgers, a large fries, and large Coke for lunch.
I give myself a break the first time I learn a rule. After that? My fault. The gazillionth time? Shame on me. That’s how I felt this weekend. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
Let me use my stupidity to teach you. If my mistakes will help one of you live in harmony with the species that is The Man, then I’ve done my job on this earth.
Verified by my weekend, here are three things you should never do if your husband is The Man:
photo by sebastian mary
1. Say you feel like pizza. Sure, you think you’re just thinking out loud, like when you tell a co-worker you’re tired even though you don’t plan on doing anything about it. There’s your first mistake. The Man doesn’t understand thinking out loud. If you say you want pizza—even if you had no intentions of ever, ever ordering a pie—The Man will think you’re serious.
Even if The Man had been craving a big salad (Ha! Right.), he will now want pizza because you suggested it. Even if The Man isn’t hungry, he will want pizza. Because of you.
photo by me and the sysop
2. Buy cookie dough. Because even when you forget it’s in the far reaches of the fridge hidden by celery and Fage, he will remember. And he’ll implant the idea of cookies so far into your brain you start to wonder if everything is made of chocolate chips. Best just to skip the cookie dough altogether.
photo by overduebook
3. Let him do the grocery shopping. Should you attempt this dangerous feat, prepare for piles of chips in flavors that shouldn’t exist. (Dill pickle? Seriously?) And don’t expect anything healthy unless you write it down. On paper. And pin it to his jacket like a little kid’s nametag on the first day of school.
So, yeah, let’s just say I didn’t have the most healthful weekend. But I take full responsibility. And to make up for it, I’m throwing out handfuls of chips so The Man thinks he’s eating them really fast. (Kidding. Really.)
What are the healthy life lessons you’ve learned from your spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend/roommate/whomever else you might live with?
22 comments
Loved this post! Cracked me up a) because it’s true and b) because I’ve been there. One lesson I’ve learned is if you really want some changes, you must demonstrate and hopefully, some healthy behaviors will rub off. If not, just keep trying and perhaps one day your efforts will come to fruition. Another thing I’ve learned is if you want what you want in your frig, yes–YOU must go grocery shopping lol. Also–communication is key–you can’t just be 2 people living in the same space–you need to keep a relationship going…but this is more for emotional/mental/spiritual health
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Tracey Reply:
March 22nd, 2010 at 11:35 am
Corinne– You’re right with this: “One lesson I’ve learned is if you really want some changes, you must demonstrate and hopefully, some healthy behaviors will rub off.” There was this one time when The Man told me he was craving a salad. It was the happiest day of my life. I’m glad that rubbed off on him!
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Haha this is hysterical! I know exactly what you mean about the speaking out loud phenomenon. You might as well have chiseled it into stone at that point.
I’ve learned that you cannot buy special food items for just your partner. You know they’re there and they will be yours before the sun goes down. Daniel loves these special ice cream pints that I used to eat all the time and so I still buy them but I end up eating at least half. Damnit.
And if you’re craving something in particular for dinner, don’t try to just be kind and say, “oh I don’t really care what we have, anything you want.” Because you will end up eating a meal of ketchup, diet coke, and cheese.
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Tracey Reply:
March 22nd, 2010 at 11:36 am
Andrea–I feel a little nauseous just thinking of that fake meal. I think it’s the ketchup that’s making my mouth water in a not-so-good way.
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your posts are always so neat.
this plays out like an episode of King of Queens!
and no guilt for the weekend girl…i cannot stop with anything – regardless of the day or time!
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Tracey Reply:
March 22nd, 2010 at 11:38 am
Empty Nut Jar–Would you believe me if I told you The Man once said he wanted to be just like Kevin James (Doug on King of Queens) when he grew up? I minorly freaked before I realized he was kidding. At least I think he was kidding…
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This was funny!!
I can completely relate to the grocery shopping one. If I don’t give an EXACT list of what we need we always get random stuff…haha!
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Tracey Reply:
March 22nd, 2010 at 11:38 am
Kelly–Yes, what’s with the random stuff? Do men not think in whole meals?
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Haha. My biggest problem is getting guys to want to cook healthy with me…instead, without much persuasion, we often end up sauteeing everything with globs of butter.
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Tracey Reply:
March 22nd, 2010 at 11:39 am
Food Fitness Freshair–Ah, yes, butter. On everything. Even butter on pre-packaged rolls with butter in the title. I don’t think I’ll ever win that battle.
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LOL good to know I am not the only one with these situations. Another thing I have figured out is.. you need to be friends with the co-worker’s wives… or the ones he eats with.. this way it can be planned that they all bring lunch to work so even after you pack the lunch the co-worker doesn’t change his mind about eating out.
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Tracey Reply:
March 22nd, 2010 at 1:58 pm
Gelareh–So true! It’s hard to say no to a lunch out when everyone else is going.
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As The Man, it sounds like my wife has been doing well with my training. I was out this weekend on some errands and got it in my head that I NEEDED some Chicken McNuggets. However, I knew that I should call home first (just in case the wife wanted some too) and she was able to talk me down. Close call, but its Monday and the pants still fit
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Tracey Reply:
March 22nd, 2010 at 2:35 pm
Dave–Way to go. I can usually talk The Man down, too. But in that case he may have gotten the chicken nuggets then acted all guilty when he got home. Oh, and he’d probably have a stomach ache because that’s just what happens to him now. So, apparently McDonald’s is on my side, too.
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You are BRAVE. Husband NEVER goes to the store without me to get things for US. He’ll go on occasion to pick up a MILLION of whatever is on sale in the freezer section, leaving me with NO ROOM. So when there’s delicious leftovers I want to save…that doesn’t happen. I eat it all week and never want the recipe again because I’m so burnt out. And lord love the bottom-drawer freezers these days, but they are not made for frozen pizzas! That’s a 20-minute chore right there. My suggestion to not buy them didn’t go over to hot, however. *eye roll* Mennnnnnnn.
This post was cute
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Tracey Reply:
March 22nd, 2010 at 4:02 pm
Nicole–You can ask all you want to not buy junk, but it’s a futile effort. Believe me. The Man’s brain doesn’t understand those words: Let’s just not buy. In the male brain, that computes to: blah blah blah. If only there were some way to translate…
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my woman brought me home a box of funnybones!
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This is so funny and true! I would never let Ali go grocery shopping because he will ALWAYS bring back the wrong stuff. Even if I make him a list or peel of a label for him to replicate, he will get it wrong. It drives me crazy!
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Love it! No man…but I’m guilty of his faults…uh-oh!! And holy schmoly pizza
My fave. And cookie dough in my freezer…oye.
Do you mind if I ask what kind of hosting you have for your site? I’ve thought about getting my own domain…but don’t know where /which to turn to…want efficiency but good, efficient…etc…I don’t know.
Do you ever feel pressure with blogging?? Sometimes I feel if I don’t post regularly I’ll lose all my readers…
At the same time, I noticed alot of my readers have declined big-time…but then I think and wonder why I really care? I should focus on just writing for myself I guess…
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Ha ha! Throwing out chips so he thinks he’s eating them fast- that’s excellent! Dill? I didn’t even know it existed!
Love the “pin it to his jacket”- so hilarious!
Um, you can maybe forget the whole getting to the gym on his own accord thing if you want us as role models We’ve been married 16 yrs and his idea of a “workout” is 10 minutes on the home nordic track from the garage sale we got 15 yrs ago. Well, at least he’s doing Daily Plate and I swear I didn’t force him or even suggest it!
Fun post.
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Too funny! Great post. It is challenging living with a man, but I’m sure my husband feels the same about living with me. My husband has the worst eating habits, but at least he’s not eating at McDonald’s any more.
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this is hilarious! i can DEF relate on the cookie dough thing! my boy is OBSESSED w. it!!
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