Technology is Out to Get Me
photo by strategyjohn
There’s no birth certificate, so I can only guess. My work computer was born some time around 1995. Most days, it drags along like an old man with emphysema trying hard to choke out a long story.
Sometimes I’m patient and listen to the whole story—bearing each painful breath between breaks. Mostly, though, I just wish I could pull the plug.
“Open my e-mail, Microsoft Word, and the Internet,” I’ll say with three double clicks. At first, it stares at me like it’s waiting for a whistle or sign or smoke signal. Or maybe it’s just trying to understand my demand.
I imagine it thinks, So much to do! Such tiresome tasks! Should I open e-mail first? Or maybe Word? But the Internet is so nice. And what if I can’t get the e-mail open at once? Should I try to perfect that before I start on the others? What to do?
On a good day, I jostle it from a deep sleep at 8 a.m. By 8:20 it’s rearing to go, and I’m done longing for the Mac I have at home. By 9 I’ve finished reading e-mails and eating breakfast. If all goes well, my computer hasn’t yet taken a nap.
But yesterday it conspired with the rest of technology to thwart my plans.
I’m getting ahead of myself. It all started on Monday.
My trusty telephone headset—the one that looks like a clunky prop from Working Girl—went on strike early in the morning. I fiddled with the headphone and microphone but they both seemed fine. And then I opened the phone connector. White battery acid crusted the device’s insides like cancer.
I begged IT—you’ll agree, a company’s most reliable department—for a new headset all day. They finally pulled through Tuesday when I frantically mentioned my interview. Life was back on track. I thought. And then I phoned my source.
“Hello?” she said.
“Hi, this is Tracey…” I started.
“Hello??”
“Hi, is Helen there?”
“Um, hello?”
“Crap.”
Ok. I didn’t say that one out loud. I said it in my head. As I hung up. I tried moving the headphone hookup to another jack on the device. A high-pitched tone pierced my ear. I tried moving a few knobs. Loud shriek. I set it to another frequency. SHRIEK!
So I ran to my co-worker’s cubicle, grabbed her headset (thus disabling her phone), and called my source again.
All was going smooth. She could hear me. I could hear her. Life was back on track. The interview was going well. Then, about 10 minutes in, the power went out. My cubicle was dark except for a sliver of light that zigzagged its way from the far window, around two file cabinets, and over my shoulder. My computer, which housed all of my interview questions, went into a coma. So I did what any self-respecting journalist would do: I kept the interview going despite the fact that I couldn’t remember that really great question I just had to ask.
photo by aftab
The power decided to return the minute I ended my interview. I poked my computer’s face and jostled the mouse until my it woke from its slumber. We proceeded with the same game we played that morning: E-mail, Word, or Internet? Oh my! This time, though, my computer was a bit groggy. It can get like that after a long midday nap. It yawned while opening e-mail and let out a few hiccups while loading the Internet. (We tried the whole Internet thing more than a few times.)
By the time 5 p.m. rolled around, the office had lost power three more times. I became suspicious that technology was out to get me. Maybe it was a big conspiracy to thwart my article writing. Maybe it wanted to show me that it’s still boss.
But you know what? It was wrong. I’m still boss. Which is why, at 5:01 p.m., I shut it off for good. I pulled the plug. It’s going to the great landfill where all computers go when they’re more than a few years old and not Macs.
Come Monday morning I’ll have another slow-as-dirt PC to fill its place. It’ll be sharper than its ancestor but no more motivated. It’ll give a big stretch and sigh each morning as it loads my complicated tasks. It might freak out every once in a while when life starts moving too fast. Most days I’ll be thankful it’s not the ancient computer I used to have. But some days, just some, I might be tempted to pull the plug.
15 comments
UGH! I hate technology but I love technology…such a double edged sword in today’s world!!
[Reply]
Oh I can completely understand your pain! I use a computer non stop for work and my old pc was slow as molasses. When it was working. I finally got a new laptop and have been a world happier. Your story was so funny and witty- I love your writing! You’ve got a gift for storytelling.
Have an awesome Friday!
[Reply]
Tracey Reply:
February 26th, 2010 at 11:53 am
Andrea, thank you so much. Those kind words made my day!
[Reply]
This was really funny…so sorry Ali doesn’t make housecalls otherwise my geek could come fix your computer.
I forgive you for being a Mac lover…not sure about Ali though.
[Reply]
it was waiting for smoke signals, you are so funny! seriously, i love how you write! i LOVEEEE macs. my baby! although the screen keeps flicking on my 4 year old laptop so i’m a wee bit nervous that it might be on its way out?
[Reply]
This hits home… I compare my computer to my boss… neither can multi task. It takes me a good 30 min to get my computer to where I want it and have to keep my fingers crossed that it doesn’t freeze on me while I am working… I always thought working for an Engineering company they would have top of the technology but I am learning most people at work prefer to have ONE program open at one time… so I am a minority. I was told by IT that maybe I am the problem and not the comp… hmmmm
[Reply]
Tracey Reply:
February 26th, 2010 at 3:22 pm
Gelareh, I’m of the mindset that my computer should be able to multitask at least as well as I do. I think twiddling my thumbs between tasks is a waste of time. But IT departments never seem to share that view, huh?
[Reply]
BOO! I’m sorry you had such a hard time with the computer, you wrote your story so well though. IT departments can be so hard to deal with…the company I worked for outsourced, so I’d be calling India for help with my computer!
[Reply]
Tracey Reply:
February 26th, 2010 at 11:49 pm
Andrea–Thanks so much for stopping by my blog. Sorry to hear you have your share of annoyance, too.
[Reply]
It just drives me crazy when the machines seem to have a mind of their own just like my 2 year old!! Maybe your new computer will be slightly less cranky!!
[Reply]
you are so awesome! seriously, like a role model. thank you so much for your incredibly sweet and loving comment
[Reply]
I think most of us can relate! I hope the new ‘puter is much better!!
[Reply]
Gah! I completely feel your pain. At my last job, my computer was as old as the hills and they’d continually put band-aids on instead of getting me a new pc. I went through the same routine as you in the morning!
I recently quit and started a new job, but at my exit interview I mentioned how annoying and unproductive it was to have such a crappy computer. Our HR director was shocked to hear how long it took me just to boot up in the morning. I recently heard that my former boss was going around after I left, asking people if their computers were working okay and if they needed any new equipment/hardware to do their jobs effectively! So – it may have been too late for me but hopefully I helped improve a couple of other people’s work lives!
[Reply]
i hate computer problems…getting mine fixed now…so worried about the cost…sucks !
[Reply]
Funny post! I can feel your frustration. Hope you had a great weekend!
[Reply]
Leave a Comment