Support System: Where Men and Women Differ

photo by dmitry_morozov

Let’s discuss support. No, I’m not talking about the kind that comes from a sports bra; that’s an important yet completely irrelevant topic right now.

What I want to chat about is the support you get from your spouse. University of Iowa researchers recently published results of a couple studies on how partners support one another in tough times. They found that both partners are happier if wives ask for support when they need it and if husbands receive the right type of support.

Let me start by saying that although the researchers looked at married folks, I think the results are applicable to unmarried couples as well. The first trial gave five surveys to more than 100 couples during the first five years of marriage. At the end of the study, the researchers learned that getting more support than you need causes more marital problems than not being there for your spouse.

To be honest, that doesn’t really make sense to me. But Lawrence and colleagues suggest that women can make up for a good-for-nothin’ man lack of spousal support by leaning on friends and family. And maybe swigging a martini or two. Just a guess. But the study says there’s no way to make up for too much support. (However, the authors didn’t note where in the world one finds a man who provides too much support. Perhaps that’s for a follow-up investigation.)

Still, despite the fact that too much support is more harmful (or so they say), too little support was more common. Two-thirds of the men and 80 percent of the women said they were feeling a little neglected.

IN OTHER NEWS…
In a related study, researchers looked at how the type of support affected the marriage of 275 newlyweds. They learned that men need women to provide the right kind of support—not just any old support. (You taking notes, ladies?) Women, on the other hand, were just happy when their men were supportive in any way at all.

In the end, the study’s authors say dialog is key. Turns out, neither men nor women are mind readers. Hm, who woulda thunk it? All men want their wives to be there for them in different ways, so the only way to avoid World War III when trouble sets in is to talk about it.

photo by hamed masoumi

TYPES OF SUPPORT
The study described these four kinds:

Physical Comfort and Emotional Support
Listen to your spouse’s story, empathize, hold his or her hand, and give him or her a hug.

Esteem Support
Show your spouse that you’re confident in him or her, provide encouragement.

Informational Support
Give advice, gather information.

Tangible Support
Take on responsibilities for your spouse and help brainstorm solutions to the problem at hand.

I TRIED IT
Here’s a funny thing: I buck the study’s trend here. For a while, in the beginning stages of rehabbing my knee, The Man would give me a hug and tell me everything was going to be OK. I’d get upset that I wasn’t making progress fast enough. I’d be down in the dumps because my knees still hurt after physical therapy, cortisone injections, and icing till my legs went numb. The Man was always there for me in a Physical Comfort and Emotional Support kinda way, but I started to resent him for it.

Finally, I told him that his support style didn’t jibe with what I needed. (See that there? That was what the study calls dialog. We’re so cutting edge.) I wanted him to comfort me in an Informational Support kind of way. Go figure, that’s the one that’s supposed to do the most damage to a relationship. I asked him to do some research on cartilage damage instead of just telling me it was going to be OK. And you know what? We’ve had fewer arguments about him trying to put a band-aid on my broken knees. Now I know he’s in this recovery with me.

Of course, he also does those other types of support, too. He’ll still hug me when I’m having a bad knee day. And he takes on plenty of all responsibilities around the house that require any walking or standing. He also encourages me by reminding me how far I’ve come since last year when my knees were swollen to the size of grapefruits. (Yup, real sexy.)

THE BOTTOM LINE
I think even if one partner isn’t going through a tough time, learning what support language your spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend speaks is important. Because the worst thing to do when someone’s feeling down is to make them feel worse.

So, how do you like to be supported? Do you a support type when dealing with your husband/wife/boyfriend or girlfriend/fiancé?